The Three Musketeers review

Paul W.S. Anderson
Logan Lerman
Matthew Macfadyen
Milla Jovovich
Luke Evans
Ray Stevenson
Orlando Bloom
Rated: PG-13

If Websters dictionary wanted to put this movie next to the definition for the word stupid, I would have no problems.

The Three Musketeers follows the young D’Artagnan (Lerman), a man who has a goal of serving France and becoming a musketeer and by doing so, going on many great heroic adventures. He eventually meets up with the famed “Three Musketeers” Athos (Macfadyen), Aramis (Evins) and Porthos (Stevenson) and challenges them to a duel.

Their duel is cut short however as they uncover a plot by the Cardinal (Waltz), the Duke of Buckingham (Bloom) and Milady de Winter (Jovovich) to force the young naive king of France to start a war. The four then set off to stop it all from happening.

The story of the film, while having some ties to the original tale, is completely sunk by the fact that they add in a bunch of steam punk stuff that director Paul W.S. Anderson thought would look cool. Not to mention the pacing is way too fast for this story. One minute the four protagonists are just dueling in Paris, then they are at the castle for half the film, and then they go on a mission and then it’s over. It rushes through things and never once stops to develop a character or a scene for that matter.

The acting is absolutely atrocious. I don’t mind when actors don’t take their roles too seriously, since it can sometime seem like they are having a lot of fun with it. But here it’s like none of the actors even cared, they were just there to get a check. Christoph Waltz portrayed the same villain he has now in his past four movies and Jovovich might have well been Alice from the Resident Evil series. Plus, Orlando Bloom as a villain was laughable.

The characters are written horribly and have terrible dialogue. For example I understand that the king is suppose to be young and inexperienced, but they make him look here like an Willy Wonka’s idiotic brother. The Three Musketeers and D’Artagnan are boring as well, all of them being just stereotyped characters with no life being breathed into them. I would go a little more into the romance between D’Artagnan and Constance but it’s portrayed in such a lazy way that I’ll be lazy on it too.

Now on to the action. To start, I can get some enjoyment from dumb, leave your brain at the door action movies with a lot of explosions. “The Expendables” was one of my favorite films of 2010, but that just DOESN’T work for “The Three Musketeers.” Especially since every single bit of action in the film is ripping something else off.

One of the fights rips off Zach Snyder’s ‘slow then speed up’ style of action, then another scene rips off the “been there, done that” ‘bullet-time’ effect, then the battle between the airships completely takes its inspiration from the ship battles in Pirates of the Caribbean. And to top it all off, the final climactic battle of the film was basically the same as the final fight in “The Crow.”

While watching this movie it felt like my brain cells were dying, it was so stupid. The acting is horrible, the story moves too fast, the characters are hollow shells, and even the action with all its juiced up “steam punk” style turned into an unoriginal mess. I’d say if your looking for a fun “Three Musketeers” watch the 1993 film. That one at least had Tim Curry’s overacting and the man who is “Winning.” This one on the other hand just gets a 0.5 out of 5.

Author: Matthew Liedke

Journalist and film critic in Minnesota. Graduate of Rainy River College and Minnesota State University in Moorhead. Outside of movies I also enjoy sports, craft beers and the occasional video game.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: